The First Thanksgiving: According to Emmett Cullen
by LilyAnneMarie
Summary: The first Thanksgiving according to Emmett. There were turkeys, cannibalism, and... Chief Charlie?


**I do not own Twilight! All rights go to their respective owners. While some of this is based off of the true story of Jamestown, most of it is made up.**

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A large, delectable bird sat in the middle of the Cullen family table. Well, delectable for humans-- not for the table of vampires surrounding it. To us, it looked like a piece of rubbish, like dirt baked into rocks. But, of course, Esme had insisted on going all out for the only two "humans" in the family, Jacob and Nessie. And Seth and Leah just _had _to join us. Hence why, before the eight vampires, one half-vampire half-human, and three werewolves, there were potatoes, turkey, carrots, broccoli, rice, cranberry sauce, devilled eggs, and rolls.

It made me sick.

Emmett seemed amused, dumping a mound of potatoes on his plate and smoothing them into neat rows. While the rest of us wrinkled our noses, he began building a castle.

"Emmett," I hissed. "Stop that. That's disgusting."

"Eddie," he sighed happily. "Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. May I call you Eddiekinz?"

"No," I snarled.

"Daddy," Nessie whined, glowering at the pile of greens on her plate. "Do I have to?"

Typical "six" year-old attitude.

"Yes," I said sternly. "You do if you want to grow up to be big and strong."

"What if I don't want to?" she inquired. Giggling, she turned and smacked a high-five with Jacob.

I pointed at her plate. "Eat."

She grimaced, spearing a piece of broccoli and nibbling on the end. Jacob urged her to eat it, demonstrating how good it was by eating some of his own. Not wanting to disappoint her idol, my daughter followed suit.

"Who wants to hear a story?!" Emmett asked joyously.

Everyone groaned.

"Your stories are always so far-fetched," Bella groaned, burying her face into her hands so a curtain of chestnut brown hair fell in front of her face.

"Nuh uh!" He argued. "And besides, this story is about the first Thanksgiving."

"Story! Story!" Nessie cheered. Despite Emmett's stupidity, Jacob grinned, pulled Renesmee onto his lap, and nodded.

"I'm up for a story," he agreed.

"NO!" Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice screamed.

"Children!" Carlisle ordered from his end at the head of the table.

"Well here it goes!" Emmett squeaked happily.

"Once upon a time, in a far, distant land called Virginia, a ship of mysterious Muggles pulled up onto shore. They were curious people, with pale skin and golden eyes, yet all insanely beautiful. The most beautiful? Emmicus!"

"Shut up, Emmicus," Jasper barked, narrowing his golden eyes.

"Agreed." I added.

"They were all under the command of the ambitious leader, Carlisle Columbus. Now, Carlisle Columbus was coming to claim land for the king and queen of Spain... King Aro and Queen Sulpicia. After several years of pleading, Queen Sulpicia took pity on him and granted him four ships.

Seth, who was gnawing on a turkey leg all the while listening to the tale, suddenly lit up. His hand flew into the air, turkey long since forgotten about.

"I know!" He exclaimed, wriggling wildly in his seat. "The Ninà, Pinta, Santa Maria, and Mayflower! Am I right?! I'm right, aren't I?!"

Emmett nodded solemnly, continuing on with the story. "So, as these new explorers pulled into their land, the Native Americans were baffled. These newcomers were paler than they, and those eyes... So they took this information to the most powerful person they knew. The Powhatan leader...

"Chief Charlie."

I threw my hands into the air. "You've gotta be frickin' kidding me!"

"Daddy said a bad word!" Nessie tattled to Bella from across the table, who then scowled at me.

"Nessie, darling," I cooed sweetly. "Daddy is old enough to curse."

This seemed to be a universally accepted reply, for the "history tale" continued.

"Chief Charlie went straight to his daughter, Isabella, and forbid her from going anywhere near the white man. But Bella was curious, and one day, while walking in the woods, she met Edward Smith.

"Edward Smith was fierce and unforgiving. He was hired to make the colonists of this new town-- which they called Jamestown-- work. No work, no food."

"Em, sweetie," Esme said sweetly. "This is a great story, but wasn't there a one hundred year gap between Plymouth Rock and Jamestown?"

Emmett rolled his eyes, ignoring his own mother's comments. _Always doubting me_, he thought. "The first winter in Jamestown was harsh. One man by the name of James went so hungry he ate his pregnant wife, Victoria **[True fact! Only without the Twilight...]** and made her into soup. By the end of the winter, only about sixty settlers were left.

"Edward Smith was in a huff about the state of his colony. This was a fail. An _EPIC_ fail. He even said so himself." He nodded, as if this were an acceptable fact. "So anyways, Edward went hunting in the woods, hoping to kill whatever came in his path. But then, he saw Isabella. And it was love at first sight!"

Nessie clapped, shouting out "Yay"'s. While she was distracted, Jacob snagged some food from her plate, quickly shoveling it into his mouth. _She'll never know. Or care._

"Not yay, young Nessie," Emmett said wisely, wagging his finger briskly. "Edward and Isabella could not speak to each other at first. No, it was not until the wind blew and a song was played by the lawn gnomes living in the clouds that they could fully understand the other's tongue."

Slamming my fists down on the table, I flung myself from my seat. "CAN YOU NOT COPY THE MOVIE 'POCAHONTAS'?! FOR ALL OF OUR SAKE?! PLEASE?!"

"LET ME FINISH THE DAMN STORY!" Emmett shouted in fury. As soon as his anger came, it smoothed out, his perfect composure taking over. "So, anyway, Edward and Bella celebrated their newfound love-- because they loved each other by listening to the wind-- by..." He wagged his eyebrows. "'Going out for pizza.' And, nine months later, they had a daughter! And her name was Nessie!" Scooping a squealing Nessie up, Emmett swung her around in the air.

"Whee!" Renesmee squealed.

"Chief Charlie was furious at this new discovery. Especially since he had already promised his daughter's hand in marriage to the fierce warrior Jacob Black. He kicked his daughter out of the kingdom and sentenced her to live with Edward Smith and Carlisle Columbus.

"Now, Carlisle Columbus was shocked at the discovery of this new life. But angered he was not. Carlisle Columbus accepted his son's choices, no matter what. So, Carlisle Columbus welcomed this new member into his family. Meanwhile, Emmicus was walking along the shore with his brother, Jasper the village Jester--"

"Hey!"

"And they saw a huge ship in the distance, with cannons and weapons! They ran to Carlisle Columbus, foretelling of the impending trouble. Carlisle Columbus took his men with him to confront these strangers. When they arrived, they saw it was none other than Billy Black, stealing the ships of the settlers. They were turning their own ships against them!

"Carlisle Columbus, not being one to fight, equipped his men with weapons, but told them not to fire unless fired upon. Ammunition was running low, and he didn't want to be wasteful. But when the ship was unloaded he was surprised to see a wild pack of..." Emmett paused, catching each of our eyes. I could hear his thoughts, and was thoroughly dissatisfied with his choice.

"You asshole!" I screeched. "You frickin' asshole!"

"What?!" Lumps of dark brown food were dropping from Seth's mouth, his eyes widening with excitement. "WHAT WERE THEY?!"

"Turkeys."

"TURKEYS?!" Rosalie hollered in anger. "Emmett, this story better end soon."

"It does," he assured her. "Anyway, the settlers took down every last one of those filthy birds. Billy Black was so outraged, he hopped into the ocean and swam away. Isabella later fried up all the corpses, serving them in a large meal to the rest of the villagers. Even Chief Charlie came, with his new beau Sue and her obnoxious kids that don't seem to get the hint that they're not wanted."

Leah glared at Emmett, while Seth just asked "Who are they?"

"Everyone-- all one hundred fifty-- brought their own contribution to the table. And, to be fashionable, they all wore their pilgrim and Native Amrerican costumes. It was a beautiful meal, but they all had to go because the Bears game was going to be on soon, and they were facing the Indianapolis Colts. And _no one_ wanted to miss that. But they all watched it together, and they got along forever... at least, until the Revolutionary War. But that, my friends, is another story for another time." Emmett folded his hands on the table, looking around at the blank stares from the family.

"Thank God!" Jasper cheered, pumping his fist into the air. This lead to everyone joining in, grateful that this ridiculous story was over-- Everyone except for Nessie and Seth. I really don't know who was more disappointed of the two. Probably Seth.

"Sorry we're late!" Billy rolled in, Charlie behind him. "We had to--"

"CHIEF CHARLIE!" Everyone exclaimed.

Charlie and Billy weren't at all surprised at the idiocracy, however. It was, after all, another Thanksgiving according to Emmett.

**Author's Note: Okay, so this was really stupid, but I wanted to do a little something for Thanksgiving, so here you go! And part of this is true, but not really. When he starts going Pocahontas, it's lies. And I don't watch sports, but I'm from Indy and I'm from a Chicago suburb, so those were the teams I picked! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!**

**_I need love, Cause only love is true I need every wakin' hour with you And my friends cause they're so beautiful, Yeah my friends they are so beautiful, they're my friends..._ Reviews? Comments? Click that button!**

**--Lauren :D**


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